PATCH CIPRIANO.

While my classmates fall for campus guys, while my aunts complain about their husbands, while fans fawn over actors I lust for HIM : 

PATCH CIPRIANO.

Well that's no old news, I'm more in touch with fantasy than in reality. We all have our image of Patch in our heads but the world sees him as Drew Doyon. Honestly, he's not the Patch I pictured in my head, but close enough. Remember my first post about HUsh Hush saying that I'd read the next three books in hard copy. I slipped, I have read Crescendo before classes resumed and I'm nearly loosing my control to read Silence. December seems too far away, a mate of mine agreed that we'd have another book hunting next month. So Patch and Nora will have to wait till Christmas. He's the definition of danger , but what did LiL say in Parker Gray show? you need to let go of bad so the good karma would come to you. I am freaking attracted to his darkness. I want it to eat me. To consume me. To drown me. To let me fall. I want danger !!!  I want my path to burn like hell...

Other guys of fiction that I wish existed in my own so-called life :

Jace Lightwood from Mortal Instruments

Simon Lewis from Mortal Instruments

Peeta Mellark from Hunger Games 

Dave the laugh from Confessions of Georgia Nicolson

Fred and George Weasley from Harry Potter

Rodrick Heffley from Diary of a Wimpy Kid 

Jason from How To Be Popular 

NoyPi !!!

I have no idea what happened to me this day, suddenly I just felt the urge to shout " Hoy !!! Pinoy akO". 

So They Call This Self Awareness?

It’s more like exposing yourself to pass through a phase in your life that you have long forgotten and kept sealed. Resulting to tears that are supposed to be invisible to a mundane naked eye.  But once they flow, they recognizes no end even when the stimulus is gone, the effect remains. 

For NSG RLE  105, we had to undergo a self awareness activity.  Earlier in that day saw classmates of mine crying(as in?) I scanned my composition and saw nothing sensitive enough to stir my emotions so I entered that white room wishing it would be over soon. Men really are tough , they were the only ones who remained untouched, everyone who had the chance to speak cried. Including me. Normally I wouldn’t enter my double broken family but I cant think of a sad phase in my life so I might as well throw it out in the open. I thought after years of
casually sharing it to others, i developed some sort of immunity to tears but damn it! I hate it when drama catches up in real life. I was bombarded with questions like: do you want to meet him, do you know his name, where he lives, have you asked your mother, have you thought of finding him, try the COMELEC. I was like , enough! I can’t speak while crying.I haven’t learned anything new except the sufferings of my fellow group mates. The instructor was going on about how my lack of formal family affected my low self esteem, saying that I should let go of my baggage so I could relate to people. I don’t carry that with me, I only remember it when I see a perfect family, it‘s not even with me, it‘s in the back of my closet eating dust, I don’t talk and smile much because it’s natural , I was born with it. She commented that I should be open. I like myself , why should I change? Why do introverts have to become extroverts in the end of a movie? Do you see a film vice versa? IDTS. It’s not fair. 

November 1 : Journal in NSG 105

Trick or treat?

Treat is a definite no.  I’ve got tons of that to last a lifetime.. I try to control myself to indulge in one, but I always crave what I cant have, which is just as ironic as life.  I could use some trick, I think people take me too seriously , they always believe what I say , I often fail to crack  jokes and they often don’t figure out that what I said is a fat lie until I confess, which I seldom do. I wish Halloween would dominate this city for once, I would like to dress up as a witch, answer the door to give kids some candies and experience being scared to hell. Unluckily, this is a recessive tradition, it doesn’t seem to appear in the Ilocano culture.  We went to the cemetery early, which isn’t often because we always do it @ Nov. 2 in the afternoon, when the sun feels sleepy and ready to snooze . I guess it’s because  my folks are trying to avoid some relatives of ours due to some misunderstanding about an issue that I wouldn’t want to write down here. I don’t know if painting tombs is significant enough to make the cut but I’m writing it anyway. I was the youngest among them so I had to listen while they speak. They talked about death, buying a land in another cemetery, they even talked about how and where they would want their graves to be buried. The idea of death used to scare the hell out of me. Before dying, finishing my businesses would be my goal, you wouldn’t want to end up as a ghost with unfinished business would you? ( that was a joke, did I fail to crack it?) But life and death is both unexpected so maybe I’d really end up as a ghost at the rate that I’m going right now. I once had a chat with someone and the conversation was about suicide, I was in high school and death didn’t seem to be a miserable occurrence but he said he’ never thought about it even though his life is at a poetic pacing. He said that when you die, you don’t die alone. That quote kind of got stuck in my head, I’m such a sucker for words of wisdom. I don’t know if he failed to acknowledge where he got that from or if  he invented that himself.  When I die would I be cremated or buried to the ground?  Cremation is trending right now but here the traditional way is still prevailing. Will cremation oust the traditional way? Maybe through time. So fire of worms? Tough choice! Fire would eat my body to ashes, worms would… I cant even write it without images flashing in my head. I’ guess I will leave that decision to whoever would be left. Isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Let go and take charge of the people who had to pass away?