Filipinos are clean people, they wash their bread with water.

Today we had our first duty in a mental institution in Cabugao Ilocos Sur. The moment i heard about this news, the images from wrong turn IV flashed in my head. I was damn scared.  The meeting time was jeopardized because of the fact that Filipinos have their own time.  The CI kind of criticized me AGAIN ( I'm getting the feeling that she doesnt like me that much , oh well the feeling is fucking mutual. Yes I said that word again, so beat it). The experience was fine but not that remarkable. A line is now drawn between the terms defense mechanism and coping mechanism.  I don't normally write detailed posts about my learning experiences because let's face it , studying can get flat.  But it seems fitting to write this because it's a leap none the less. Sometimes we have to fake it to make it (Carrie Diaries) . I had to fake being interested in my patient's life so I could put something in that NPI requirement. I know, i know!!  it's terrible, I'm terrible. It's my job to explore things, to make people who can't verbalize feelings be able to but most of the time I just don't care. I'm trying to care for others but one thing i'm sure about myself is that i'm an island, not a continent. 

Cryptically done

I think that even if we follow a systematic approach , even if science and arts are involved we are witnessing this world with blind eyes. Maybe we do not know that we are blind or we are ignoring the fact that we are. Its how it works so none the less we can do nothing about that. We are spinning around till we get nauseated , when we are fine , we spin again. We have no clue on what we are doing, but we do it anyway because there is nothing else we could do. We know nothing but simply live because no one taught how to live, really. They taught us how to win a Battle but the thing is, there are no real victors. This world is kind of frustrating. I dont know if i'm alone in this or every one else is with me. What i do know is that when I sit around thinking all day, its not only my life that is in rot but everyone else's as well. or maybe this is just a thought I thought alone so its insignificant. I could conclude that my life is a mess, but I also think that i'm suspended in a bubble, unaware of how the world really works and i fear that it will electrocute or habituate me once it bursts. I really, really yearn to live on the edge but its really really hard for me to put myself out there. This is all so frustrating, its killing me ! Millions of unrequited thoughts keep popping out but they all fail to make a sound in my mouth and by extension my actions remain static. I'm static I say I'll be on the grid but I end up aiming for the middle. All i'm saying is that if a shrinking violet has thoughts like this , another creature has to. 

So They Call This Self Awareness?

It’s more like exposing yourself to pass through a phase in your life that you have long forgotten and kept sealed. Resulting to tears that are supposed to be invisible to a mundane naked eye.  But once they flow, they recognizes no end even when the stimulus is gone, the effect remains. 

For NSG RLE  105, we had to undergo a self awareness activity.  Earlier in that day saw classmates of mine crying(as in?) I scanned my composition and saw nothing sensitive enough to stir my emotions so I entered that white room wishing it would be over soon. Men really are tough , they were the only ones who remained untouched, everyone who had the chance to speak cried. Including me. Normally I wouldn’t enter my double broken family but I cant think of a sad phase in my life so I might as well throw it out in the open. I thought after years of
casually sharing it to others, i developed some sort of immunity to tears but damn it! I hate it when drama catches up in real life. I was bombarded with questions like: do you want to meet him, do you know his name, where he lives, have you asked your mother, have you thought of finding him, try the COMELEC. I was like , enough! I can’t speak while crying.I haven’t learned anything new except the sufferings of my fellow group mates. The instructor was going on about how my lack of formal family affected my low self esteem, saying that I should let go of my baggage so I could relate to people. I don’t carry that with me, I only remember it when I see a perfect family, it‘s not even with me, it‘s in the back of my closet eating dust, I don’t talk and smile much because it’s natural , I was born with it. She commented that I should be open. I like myself , why should I change? Why do introverts have to become extroverts in the end of a movie? Do you see a film vice versa? IDTS. It’s not fair. 

November 1 : Journal in NSG 105

Trick or treat?

Treat is a definite no.  I’ve got tons of that to last a lifetime.. I try to control myself to indulge in one, but I always crave what I cant have, which is just as ironic as life.  I could use some trick, I think people take me too seriously , they always believe what I say , I often fail to crack  jokes and they often don’t figure out that what I said is a fat lie until I confess, which I seldom do. I wish Halloween would dominate this city for once, I would like to dress up as a witch, answer the door to give kids some candies and experience being scared to hell. Unluckily, this is a recessive tradition, it doesn’t seem to appear in the Ilocano culture.  We went to the cemetery early, which isn’t often because we always do it @ Nov. 2 in the afternoon, when the sun feels sleepy and ready to snooze . I guess it’s because  my folks are trying to avoid some relatives of ours due to some misunderstanding about an issue that I wouldn’t want to write down here. I don’t know if painting tombs is significant enough to make the cut but I’m writing it anyway. I was the youngest among them so I had to listen while they speak. They talked about death, buying a land in another cemetery, they even talked about how and where they would want their graves to be buried. The idea of death used to scare the hell out of me. Before dying, finishing my businesses would be my goal, you wouldn’t want to end up as a ghost with unfinished business would you? ( that was a joke, did I fail to crack it?) But life and death is both unexpected so maybe I’d really end up as a ghost at the rate that I’m going right now. I once had a chat with someone and the conversation was about suicide, I was in high school and death didn’t seem to be a miserable occurrence but he said he’ never thought about it even though his life is at a poetic pacing. He said that when you die, you don’t die alone. That quote kind of got stuck in my head, I’m such a sucker for words of wisdom. I don’t know if he failed to acknowledge where he got that from or if  he invented that himself.  When I die would I be cremated or buried to the ground?  Cremation is trending right now but here the traditional way is still prevailing. Will cremation oust the traditional way? Maybe through time. So fire of worms? Tough choice! Fire would eat my body to ashes, worms would… I cant even write it without images flashing in my head. I’ guess I will leave that decision to whoever would be left. Isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Let go and take charge of the people who had to pass away?