When we are truly alone with our thoughts we breakdown, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Ugly tears flow from our eyes and a truckload of curse words are shouted in an abyss.
We do suffer alone.
Atleast I do. It is not that I want to appear strong, I just dont want to burden other people of problems they wouldnt understand.
I wish I could let off some of the weight but there is no one who would carry it for me.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Like a Dark Cloud
Something must be wrong with the wirings of my brain.
Something is WRONG with the wirings of my brain.
It is not a phase anymore, it doesnt just pass. It lingers. It becomes a constant state. It becomes the focus, not a background. Like its a world of my own, cut off because it is just so rotten. Lately, things are just a blur of faces and time. Just a jumble of conversations and circumstances that translate into something that isnt there.
I do not know where the line began or if it has been there since the very
beginning. That maybe I was just feigning innocence.
Playing the classic plausible deniability, with the high hopes of it wilting away.
There is no explanation, no source its just there sitting and waiting patiently. Hidden inside a closet, just observing how to hit where it counts. I can feel the spectrum dying, I used to be so confident, so steadfast that if that time comes I wouldnt notice it. That it is not possible or that all will just blend into a perfect rythmn. It's not happening, the pitch is off and i'm about to cover my ears to block off the voices.
There is no tolerance, no treshold just a broken door inviting malevolence.
Something is WRONG with the wirings of my brain.
It is not a phase anymore, it doesnt just pass. It lingers. It becomes a constant state. It becomes the focus, not a background. Like its a world of my own, cut off because it is just so rotten. Lately, things are just a blur of faces and time. Just a jumble of conversations and circumstances that translate into something that isnt there.
I do not know where the line began or if it has been there since the very
beginning. That maybe I was just feigning innocence.
Playing the classic plausible deniability, with the high hopes of it wilting away.
There is no explanation, no source its just there sitting and waiting patiently. Hidden inside a closet, just observing how to hit where it counts. I can feel the spectrum dying, I used to be so confident, so steadfast that if that time comes I wouldnt notice it. That it is not possible or that all will just blend into a perfect rythmn. It's not happening, the pitch is off and i'm about to cover my ears to block off the voices.
There is no tolerance, no treshold just a broken door inviting malevolence.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
TipToe
It has always been in my bucket list to go to SK. I have saved up enough for a budget friendly trip to go there one day but unfortunately if we are to fulfill the concert goal thing it wont be very frugal of me. I dont want to break my bank. I want to be able to go there and enjoy it like a backpacker. But I really want to go, I deserve it. I'm not going to deny myself of a not-so-simple pleasure in life. I need to take a break from all the pressure my mom is throwing at me. I need some space to think of my long term plans and catch up with my crazy chinnggus. I have been very frugal to save up for this trip and it would be a torture just to abandon them at the first sign of struggle. I am still 50/50 about this. I am still missing a great sum of money which means I have not been stingy enough.
Can 50k just fall from the sky and save me the extra trouble?
Can 50k just fall from the sky and save me the extra trouble?
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