Saturday, July 25, 2015

Seiri, Seiton , Seiso , Seiketsu , Shitsuke.




Its been a month since I took a different route. Never have I imagined myself  taking a turn but fuck it, it’s the road least traveled. That moment, I just wanted something to happen, something to change because I didn’t like where I was. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t satisfied. I felt like a balloon that was about to escape from a little girl’s hand. It wasn’t easy to accept that I wont be able to practice what I studied for years for a while. I let go of what’s ideal so early, I shattered the tradition before it could build its foundation. It seems silly that my decision was based on breaking what is expected of me. I did it because someone thought I probably wont, I did it because my heritage dictates that I should not stray.

I’m still testing the waters, dipping one foot at a time, doubtful and scared. I’ll get deep enough through hard times. I’ll be drenched in my own tears, salty and painful and continuous.

All I know is that if I didn’t take that risk, if I didn’t take that turn I will be on that same spot as everyone else.

This spot is new and rare and it's mine.






Sunday, February 1, 2015

Brothers Through Blood, Strangers Through Distance.

It's not everyday that you find out that you have brothers, two half brothers. It wasnt like having other siblings didnt linger at the back of my mind, being a child without a normal family, i have learned to expect unexpected ties to bind me. Normality never seemed to sketch me, well my family at least. I tend to swerve around dramas and theatrics clutching into the rules of the book to fend off aberrations but well, drama catches up with you as you slow down for a breather. I honestly want to meet them, i want to see half of my genetic make-up as i stare back in their eyes. But i doubt if they want to meet me though. I am a staunch reminder of their father's infidelity, i'm just being realistic. I will always be the girl without a father, always the illegitimate one. I am branded broken before i was even born. I can try to mend my self, but i will always be scarred. It's okay though, i like my scars, they tell a story, a tale of survival. What would i do with this new discovery? Should i seek for attention? After all they are just one message away. I hold the ax that could divide their family. Revenge is forever tempting. An eye for an eye. My father took away my chance at a happy childhood, isn't it just fair that i take away what keeps him together? I hate him, i hate that he abandoned my mother. A woman who is nothing but dear to me, i feel guilty for her sacrifices. If i wasn't born she would have a shot at an uncomplicated life with her husband and children, my half- sisters. 
But i'm keeping my mouth sealed, keeping a chaos from ensuing. I dont want revenge, i want acceptance, i want my mom's happiness. I can't give her that if i continue to dig at her past.  I cant let her bleed with fresh tears for my own selfish reasons. I cant be selfish when it comes to her. 

Who am i even kidding? He, they would never accept me. 

No one wants an abandoned child, if anyone did, it wouldn't be abandoned in the first place would it?
  
Del Rosario Family 

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Minseok : Fat cheeks

 




Minseok is beat. Dead beat from all the bullshit called living the life.  He is inadequate. The amount of people who are sky-high better than he is unquantifiable. The scattered artificial neon lights of the bustling city below him almost match the stars in the vast night sky. His chubby cheeks are in a beautiful shade of scarlet, the tip of his ears tinged in faded red, his black scarf almost reaching up to his quivering pink pert lips. He shouldn’t be there fighting the night air, biting against the cold weather but he needed a breather from the limbo that he is  currently wedged in. Anyone could do what he is doing,  sadly so because Kim Minseok doesn’t want to be just anyone. As he waddles deeper to his dreams, he becomes exposed to a foreign water, overwhelming his senses sending a ringing alarm to his very core. Panic scorches through his veins, lungs lagging with air, he is drowning. His dreams drown him, the deep blue sucking every fiber of his strength to oblivion. It wasn’t supposed to , he should be seeing the beacon, he is far too accustomed to this darkness, buried in to deep that he doesn’t even bother reaching up.  He is  gasping for air, for quitting because as he lay awake at night, he wonders if he even got it.  He is tired and he shouldn’t be. He wanted this.




Sunday, June 29, 2014

City of Ghost by Bali Rhai


Smiling faces, he told himself, sometimes hid rotten souls.





Question to hokaido: Cant you live your life without leaving people behind? The need to abandon this fandom is so strong and that coming from you is a mind opener. But i dont know, im still confused. Be hiatusing atm.  

Friday, June 20, 2014

Le Pants on Fire


My mind is narrowed down to suffocation, keeping my logic and reasoning at bay can be quite exhausting.  Melancholia is so easy to feed, its always hungry, always thirsty and it is so damn easy to lie down, extremities extended, psyche stamped and sealed, cardiac muscles gaping dangerously open.

All I’m saying is it hurts gdi !
It’s starting, it’s just another bullsh*t.
It’s the best and the worst (what a dick move)
Curse Peter, wendy, tinker bell even

yours,
The lost (in between)boy 


Sunday, May 18, 2014

Precipice


Don't leave your brothers Wu Yi Fan.
 



Been having the shittiest four days of my life.

#WebelieveinyouKris

Friday, April 18, 2014

FANGIR < Ella > L


Kai-shi 
FANGIR <  Ella   > L

By : Sehunna & Abelu

EXOstans 93 Liners 


Inspired by this fic

Reposted here cause i vowed never to make a flat original character either on AFF & LJ again (nor a first person POV because where is the fun that?). Kinda raw, screams ugly, too lumpy to swallow but hey we twisted it, not twisted enough for the lot of them, but that's hella better than no twist at all, you hearing me?   It's either that or they it's their basic imagination that is twisted (in the wrongest possible way). You catching my drift? You wish you could. After all im the master of shady(when i try to be).

This is not a rant (  Callan help)

I just have nothing else to post, honest. 

Foreword :

Ignore my existence.

Do not ask who I am or if I matter because I really dont.

I am dying.

Ive been suffering from fangirlitis since I turned 13.

I cant be cured because the only antidote is the poison itself.

Kai, he goes by that name.

And he is both my death and my life.

Characters :

Kai : a K Pop idol

Ella : average fan girl / infected by fangirlitis

Yoo Jin : Ellas best friend 

Ari : Yoo Jins cousin who works for EXO

EXO : A kop boy band where Kai is the main dancer / visual.


Manager Hyung: manager of EXO

Kyungsoo : (mentioned) Exos vocal / Kais band mate / has a heart-shaped smile

Ellas POV:

I have twitter followers who retweets every single tweet I make, my YouTube channel has tons of subscribers, I have hundreds friends in my Weibo account and my Live Journal is on top 20.  I have one real friend aside from my cyber friends who can understand how K-Pop feeds my soul. The walls in my room are covered with the grinning faces of K-Pop idols, whose smiles are enough to brighten up my gray days.   

Its nine in the evening but Im still stuck in my step mothers shoe store finishing the inventory of our latest shipments. As I opened the boxes, I noticed a simple pair of white sneakers and I knew I that I have to wear it to EXOs Dream Kpop Fantasy concert. Yes Im a fan girl, you wouldn't know but being passionate for something isn't just "anything"... it is life (reply 1997).
The price tag crashed my dream though. So instead I pulled out my pen and wrote in the insoles of the right shoe: Youre so close yet so far
.
 

Kais POV:

My fans are mental. I walk out of our dorm to buy Kyungsoos ingredients for his heavenly (youd literally find no purpose in life once the flavor settles in that muscle called your tongue) Kimchi spaghetti. The next thing I knew a bottle of soju dropped before me, the green shards springing out in every direction, the stench of alcohol abruptly charging into my nostrils, but I didnt get to hear it crash. The screaming voice of a fan girl pierced my ears threatening to bleed as she shouted : Omo! KAI! Saranghae oppa!. I ran of course, half of Seouls fan girls are chasing me like Im some sort a meat they mercilessly want to ravish.  Sure I liked the attention, its peoples affirmation that would guarantee that youre doing the right thing, right? But most days It just feels like Im living a lie. What if they got to know me and realize Im not what they expected? That the adoration that they are throwing at me would be reciprocated with disappointments. What if my shortcomings would be rejected and worse, disgusted? I'm an idol, let me spit at the irony.

 After running spirally, I was finally able to catch my breath and ended up hiding in a shoe store, I decided to look around in the meantime. A particular white shoe caught my attention and I thought I could buy it for Sullis birthday. The girls been really clingy for a while, giving her a shoe rather than something intimate wouldnt be misinterpreted as a sign of affection. When I have taken a good look at it, I noticed the inscriptions in the insoles of the right shoe. What kind of a lunatic would write in there?
Must be some customer who didnt want the shoe to be bought by someone else. I replied using the left shoe, anticipating an answer from a mutual stranger : Distance is just a number, what matters is how close your hearts are.  


Ella s POV:
The next day on my shift, I noticed a reply that was written in the left shoe. A smile crept into my face with the thought that someone actually bothered to reply to my spur of the moment thoughts. I wrote back using the right shoe.

I was talking about the shoe but I agree with you because I have a long distance relationship with Kai 


Kai s POV:

I went back to the shoe store to check the writers reply and I laughed hard as I read it. The girl is an EXO fan, a delusional one at that but I wrote on.
Kai of EXO? Why do you even like the guy? He looks good and all but face it, you dont know the real him.


Next days shoe conversation:


Ella : I may only be a fan in a screaming crowd, my twisted aberrant one sided emotion might seem nothing to him but it is everything for me. I like Kai because he is passionate, like dancing meant the world for him. His presence on stage fills my hollow existence.

Kai : To Kai breathing is dancing


Ella s POV :

Its the night of Exo s Dream K-Pop Fantasy concert but my step sisters overheard my conversations with my friend Yoo Jin that I was going so my step mother stepped in and tore my posters off the wall and into pieces. She made me stay in the store the entire night. I called Yoo Jin and she saved me like how the fairy saved Cinderella.
She bought the shoes for me, brought some clothes I could change into and we drove to the concert in her pumpkin colored motorbike. As the horizon stretched, the distance between Kai and I is dissolving. Call me shallow, desperate , overly-eager, I stopped caring a long time ago.  Its so much easier that way, people need to stop asking for permission to be happy. Its just plain sad.

Ella : Youre a life saver Yoo Jin. What did I ever do to deserve a friend like you?

Yoo Jin : Less talking more changing.

Seeing EXO perform live, surpassed my expectation. Kris is really gigantic, Taos performance is intense, Xiumins chubby cheek is so pinch worthy, I held my breath at Chens high note and I wanted to envelope Luhan in a constricting hug. Lay is a unicorn trapped in the body of an idol. Suho acts like an old man. The rumor between Baek and Chanyeol is so true, they couldnt keep their hands off each other. Sehuns cold stare and Kyungsoos doe eyes are alluring in flesh. Did I forget someone, o h theres Kai.

Kai .

Kai.

 Kai.

 Kai.

 Did I mention Kai?

For once, I am void of words.

Yoo Gins cousin works for them so she gave us a gate pass to the after party.

Yoo Jin : This is my cousin Ari. Ella! we are going to meet Exo in flesh . How daebak is that?

Ella was speechless.

Ari (Yoo Jins cousin ) : Your friend needs to learn how to talk Yoo Jin. Cool shoes by the way Ella. Have fun girls.

Ari led them to an upscale club where the after party was going to take place.


Kais POV :

Im bored out of my wits, damn I hate after parties. I want to go home and sleep. I texted Kyungsoo and asked if we could make a run for it, ditch this party and make up for our lost night of slumber. As I took out my phone, it slipped out of my hands and landed in the floor. I muttered some profanities under my breath as I crouched down to get it, that is when I noticed the familiar white shoe Ive been writing to for the last couple of days. I averted my eyes and saw a girl smiling down at me. I smiled back. The music stopped and I heard through the speaker

Ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves for the blackout hour! . The lights went out. We were swallowed by darkness. The moon light replaced the artificial lights, when did i turn romantic?

Kai: The shoes youre wearing, whered you buy them?

Ella : Does it matter? You are Kai of exo. Youre gonna hate me for what I am about to do but Im going to do it anyway because you will never see me again.

Kai : Are going to kill me?

Ella : Im going to kiss you.

Kai : Then do it.

Ella : Tell me that you didnt just paraphrase a yes.

Kai : I did not just paraphrase a yes. But you have to give me your right shoe first.

Although I could outline her confused expression, she took it off and gave it to me.

Ella : Can I kiss you n--------

I cut her off with one quick kiss. It lasted for a second; it was more of a touch than a liplock but still a kiss none then less. A lame excuse for one even.

 Kai :  Its the prince who kisses Cinderella after all, doesnt he?
I heard no reply. Did I surprise her to the extent that she fainted? The lights went back on but my mystery girl didnt. I was alone in that balcony with a shoe to keep me company.


Next day

Kai POV :

I talked to our manager about the girl from last night.

Kai : Hyung! I met a girl from last night and I think shes the same girl that Ive been writing to.

Manager : What are talking about? Do you like her?

Kai : I have to find her.

Manager : You cant fall in love, you know the rules. For five years, you have to remain single as long as you work for this company.

When the manager left, Ari interrogated Kai.

Ari : Yah!!! So youre in love huh? Who is the lucky girl?

Kai : Thats the thing , I dont know who she is, where she lives , what she looks like in plain daylight. The only thing I know about her is her shoe size.

Ari : Youre weird.

Kai : Weve been communicating through a pair of shoes. I know that I shouldnt affect me, Im an idol , shes a fan, the biggest cliché of this century. But being famous doesnt exempt me, call it passé , I deserve some too.        

Ari laughed shortly. What you said is so damn cheesy, that Im proclaiming myself a lactose intolerant, she said.

Ari : So how are you going to find her?

I showed the shoe to Ari. I trusted her; shes one of the few people who actually spent more time pissing me off rather than kissing my tan ass. Not that she had actually been fortunate enough to see it, but thats beside the point.

Kai : Im going to find her using the replies  from her shoe.

Ari : I think I saw that last night. Whered you see them?

Kai : Aside from last night? In a shoe store.

Ari : Why dont you look for her there?

Kai : She bought the shoes there. What are the chances that Id run into her? A person doesnt just go back to where she bought something from the morning after she bought it.

Ari : Would it kill you to try?

Kais POV :

In the afternoon I went to the shoe store. Two blonde girls were there near the counter. I saw no one in the cash register so I assumed that those girls were the ones who work for the place.

Kai: Do you know who bought these pair of shoes from you? Im looking for the other pair and its owner.

I regretted asking because they instantly recognized me. They squealed, took pictures , asked for autographs. They were persistent in asking for a kiss or a hug but please, if I wanted to kiss anyone right then, Id simply press backward and capture my mystery girls lips a little longer just in time for the lights to illuminate that club. But we all know that time is a real bitch. It does not bend for anyone. Not even for almighty Kai.   

Step sister : We own this store and I was the one who bought that for myself to wear for your concert.

Kai: Really? Can you show me the other pair?


Third person POV:

The step sister went to the stock room and searched for another pair of shoes that was identical to the one Kai was holding. She hid the right pair and showed the left to Kai.

Kais POV :

Could it be true? It didnt seem right. It was so easy for me to track her down. I thought that I was going to report back to Ari whitewashed, shouldntt fate test me out first? See if I would be persistent; check if I deserved to be suffocated in cloud nine? After all, nothing worth having comes easy. I know that its really foolish of me to doubt, to ask for some sort of an impediment before I seize the prize but really, the best things in life happens after you crumble, after you have stopped clinging to hope.

Bittersweet. 

Kai : This is not it. The inscriptions are missing.

Step sister: Inscriptions? I erased them, I had to wash it, they got erased while on laundry.

Kai : What did I reply to the first sentence that you wrote ?

She was clue less, it was evident in her confused face. Just then a girl entered the store and she saw the shoe that I was holding, she said : Kai? You came to find me?

Kai : Who are you? Let me guess, another one of my fans whos going to fool me into believing that shes my Cinderella.

The girl spoke to me, You wrote in there that Distance is just a number, what matters is how close your hearts are,

Kai : I was talking about the shoe but I agree with you because I have a long distance relationship with Kai 

She smiled and said, Kai of EXO? Why do you even like the guy? He looks good and all but face it, you dont know the real him.

Kai : I may only be a fan in a screaming crowd, my twisted aberrant one sided emotion might seem nothing to him but it is everything for me. I like Kai because he is passionate, like dancing meant the world to him. His presence on stage fills my hollow existence,I walked the distance separating us.

She continued, To Kai  breathing is dancing.

Kai : So I guess I scored myself a girl friend without my knowledge.

A genuine smile curved her plump lips, Your long-distance-girlfriends name is Ella by the way if youre wondering.
                                                          

 ~  ~

 ~kkeut~