Yay or Nah?

Seiri, Seiton , Seiso , Seiketsu , Shitsuke.

Its been a month since I took a different route. Never have I imagined myself  taking a turn but fuck it, it’s the road least traveled. That moment, I just wanted something to happen, something to change because I didn’t like where I was. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t satisfied. I felt like a balloon that was about to escape from a little girl’s hand. It wasn’t easy to accept that I wont be able to practice what I studied for years for a while. I let go of what’s ideal so early, I shattered the tradition before it could build its foundation. It seems silly that my decision was based on breaking what is expected of me. I did it because someone thought I probably wont, I did it because my heritage dictates that I should not stray.

I’m still testing the waters, dipping one foot at a time, doubtful and scared. I’ll get deep enough through hard times. I’ll be drenched in my own tears, salty and painful and continuous.

All I know is that if I didn’t take that risk, if I didn’t take that turn I will be on that same spot as everyone else.

This spot is new and rare and it's mine.

Brothers Through Blood, Strangers Through Distance.

It's not everyday that you find out that you have brothers, two half brothers. It wasnt like having other siblings didnt linger at the back of my mind, being a child without a normal family, i have learned to expect unexpected ties to bind me. Normality never seemed to sketch me, well my family at least. I tend to swerve around dramas and theatrics clutching into the rules of the book to fend off aberrations but well, drama catches up with you as you slow down for a breather. I honestly want to meet them, i want to see half of my genetic make-up as i stare back in their eyes. But i doubt if they want to meet me though. I am a staunch reminder of their father's infidelity, i'm just being realistic. I will always be the girl without a father, always the illegitimate one. I am branded broken before i was even born. I can try to mend my self, but i will always be scarred. It's okay though, i like my scars, they tell a story, a tale of survival. What would i do with this new discovery? Should i seek for attention? After all they are just one message away. I hold the ax that could divide their family. Revenge is forever tempting. An eye for an eye. My father took away my chance at a happy childhood, isn't it just fair that i take away what keeps him together? I hate him, i hate that he abandoned my mother. A woman who is nothing but dear to me, i feel guilty for her sacrifices. If i wasn't born she would have a shot at an uncomplicated life with her husband and children, my half- sisters. 

But i'm keeping my mouth sealed, keeping a chaos from ensuing. I dont want revenge, i want acceptance, i want my mom's happiness. I can't give her that if i continue to dig at her past.  I cant let her bleed with fresh tears for my own selfish reasons. I cant be selfish when it comes to her. 

Who am i even kidding? He, they would never accept me. 

No one wants an abandoned child, if anyone did, it wouldn't be abandoned in the first place would it?

  

Del Rosario Family

 

Minseok : Fat cheeks

 

 

Minseok is beat. Dead beat from all the bullshit called living the life.  He is inadequate. The amount of people who are sky-high better than he is unquantifiable. The scattered artificial neon lights of the bustling city below him almost match the stars in the vast night sky. His chubby cheeks are in a beautiful shade of scarlet, the tip of his ears tinged in faded red, his black scarf almost reaching up to his quivering pink pert lips. He shouldn’t be there fighting the night air, biting against the cold weather but he needed a breather from the limbo that he is  currently wedged in. Anyone could do what he is doing,  sadly so because Kim Minseok doesn’t want to be just anyone. As he waddles deeper to his dreams, he becomes exposed to a foreign water, overwhelming his senses sending a ringing alarm to his very core. Panic scorches through his veins, lungs lagging with air, he is drowning. His dreams drown him, the deep blue sucking every fiber of his strength to oblivion. It wasn’t supposed to , he should be seeing the beacon, he is far too accustomed to this darkness, buried in to deep that he doesn’t even bother reaching up.  He is  gasping for air, for quitting because as he lay awake at night, he wonders if he even got it.  He is tired and he shouldn’t be. He wanted this.

City of Ghost by Bali Rhai

Smiling faces, he told himself, sometimes hid rotten souls.

 

Question to hokaido: Cant you live your life without leaving people behind? The need to abandon this fandom is so strong and that coming from you is a mind opener. But i dont know, im still confused. Be hiatusing atm.  

Le Pants on Fire

My mind is narrowed down to suffocation, keeping my logic and reasoning at bay can be quite exhausting.  Melancholia is so easy to feed, its always hungry, always thirsty and it is so damn easy to lie down, extremities extended, psyche stamped and sealed, cardiac muscles gaping dangerously open.

All I’m saying is it hurts gdi !

It’s starting, it’s just another bullsh*t.

It’s the best and the worst (what a dick move)

Curse Peter, wendy, tinker bell even

yours,

The lost (in between)boy 

Precipice

Don't leave your brothers Wu Yi Fan.
 

Been having the shittiest four days of my life.

#WebelieveinyouKris