Baffled Rooster

The year is new yet I feel old.

There are 365 new chances yet it seem like I have run out.

All is fresh but I have been rotting inside.

A pessimist, that is who I am, with limited bouts of sunshine, sometimes with a drip of laughter. I have made plans for this year, but the ink is fading. I find myself erasing the lines I calculated, repressing my thirst for change and coming into terms with my responsibilities. I justify my cowardice with my half-assed obligation. Half-assed because embracing such comes with selfishness and fear. I am dueling with an ancient old nemesis, dueling isnt even the appropriate term to use. Dueling meant fighting, all I ever did was fly. 

Charge it to experience.

Perhaps, the blame should be casted on me. I did not prevent it from happening even if I had the capability to. I stayed on the sideline as always and chose to ignore my instinct instead of acting on it. I trusted time to bury it, without minding how volatile the situation was. I chose to follow, not lead. I chose to nod even when I had doubts.

It was a stupid move, in a nutshell.

I wont let that ruin my holidays. I wont let that define me. I slayed a freaking dragon, the rest are just pests and its about time for some pest control. 

Take me to your Foreign Land.

Not to dig for gold or anything but to soak in its culture, to slice its heart and to breathe it all in, all of it, both history and future in that fleeting present.

HongKong you are missed, the erratic streets and the crowded MTR. The smell of streetfoods mixed with the nippy morning air. The sound of trolleys againts freshly rained pavements, the noisy Chinese woman worrying about his son.

Also, I kinda miss not having to think about work.

It was my first trip out of the country and to top it off I was assigned to navigate my senior citizen aunts, from ticketing to boarding. So you see that It was quite a struggle for me. I was anxious not for myself solely but for my old folks as well.

It was an amalgam of sunshine and disaster but it won't be as memorable without the latter. This trip was long overdue, but the wait was worth it.

Huntie

huntie

Time to be a Gladiator

I cant believe I'm dedicating yet another post for her but fuck it.

Yes this is for you.

You with wildfire in your eyes.

You who throws words like knives.

You who breathe hatred instead of oxygen.

I cannot tell you to stop because you wouldn't.

I cannot tell you to forgive because I do not recall how I might have injured you, how I might have rained your parade with any intention.

But I can tell you this, just go and love yourself because I think you are incapable of giving it to others.

Criminal at 22.

It's eating me, the words, the lies that I brewed. I wasn't cut out for this, lying with a straight face, careful selection of words.

I had to do it. I had to exhaust all means necessary before I let it go. If the endgame is negative, atleast i wont have to add another what if in my life.

I feel like a criminal who lost the ability to sleep at night. Always haunted by the fear of getting caught. Eyes in constant alertness to every movement, scanning everyone in the room.

Every moment was a threat.

I am stuck in paranoia of my own making.

But If Abby can be a monster, so can I.

Sik-ya

A year ago, I told my 21-year old self that I would walk down the road to psychiatric nursing if I got the highest score in the fifth part of the test. Unfortunately I didn't  so that plan kind of been set aside though not completely eliminated. I was just amazed at how the human mind worked and another factor that contributed was the lecture we had way back in college. Our teachers in "pychia", were excellent and very passionate about the subject that I couldn't help but consider it my favorite field of nursing. Our reviewer was just one of a kind. However It took time (10 months to be exact) for me to get a head start, plans don't always work. Sometimes you get stuck in unfavorable situations until slowly they become tolerable and they end up being your norm.

It's been a week now since I've been working on this mental care center. I saw theories translated into actual situations. I got my fair share of shock when a patient just lashes out , out of the blue, or how you train yourself to keep your eyes open for that suicidal mother or how you had to sit through a never ending narration of a manic 24- year old.

The experience is entirely different from that of a traditional hospital. I just sometimes feel disappointed because I wanted to have more responsibility and less idle moments.

Idle moments just pushes me off the spectrum sometimes. Reducing idle time is what I'm aiming for, is it just me?

I want to finish this, I plan to but with a fickle heart like mine I do not know if I will still be rendering psychiatric care to the society-labeled mentally ill for the next six months.