Unburden

When we are truly alone with our thoughts we breakdown, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Ugly tears flow from our eyes and a truckload of curse words are shouted in an abyss.

We do suffer alone.

Atleast I do. It is not that I want to appear strong, I just dont want to burden other people of problems they wouldnt understand.

I wish I could let off some of the weight but there is no one who would carry it for me.

Like a Dark Cloud

Something must be wrong with the wirings of my brain.

Something is WRONG with the wirings of my brain.

It is not a phase anymore, it doesnt just pass. It lingers. It becomes a constant state. It becomes the focus, not a background. Like its  a world of my own, cut off because it is just so rotten. Lately, things are just a blur of faces and time. Just a jumble of conversations and circumstances that translate into something that isnt there.

 I do not know where the line began or if it has been there since the very
beginning. That maybe I was just feigning innocence.
Playing the classic plausible deniability, with the high hopes of it wilting away.

There is no explanation, no source its just there sitting and waiting patiently. Hidden inside a closet, just observing how to hit where it counts. I can feel the spectrum dying, I used to be so confident, so steadfast that if that time comes I wouldnt notice it. That it is not possible or that all will just blend into a perfect rythmn. It's not happening, the pitch is off and i'm about to cover my ears to block off the voices.

There is no tolerance, no treshold just a broken door inviting malevolence.

TipToe

It has always been in my bucket list to go to SK. I have saved up enough for a budget friendly trip to go there one day but unfortunately if we are to fulfill the concert goal thing it wont be very frugal of me. I dont want to break my bank. I want to be able to go there and enjoy it like a backpacker. But I really want to go, I deserve it. I'm not going to deny myself of a not-so-simple pleasure in life. I need to take a break from all the pressure my mom is throwing at me. I need some space to think of my long term plans and catch up with my crazy chinnggus. I have been very frugal to save up for this trip and it would be a torture just to abandon them at the first sign of struggle. I am still 50/50 about this. I am still missing a great sum of money which means I have not been stingy enough.

Can 50k just fall from the sky and save me the extra trouble?

Baffled Rooster

The year is new yet I feel old.

There are 365 new chances yet it seem like I have run out.

All is fresh but I have been rotting inside.

A pessimist, that is who I am, with limited bouts of sunshine, sometimes with a drip of laughter. I have made plans for this year, but the ink is fading. I find myself erasing the lines I calculated, repressing my thirst for change and coming into terms with my responsibilities. I justify my cowardice with my half-assed obligation. Half-assed because embracing such comes with selfishness and fear. I am dueling with an ancient old nemesis, dueling isnt even the appropriate term to use. Dueling meant fighting, all I ever did was fly. 

Charge it to experience.

Perhaps, the blame should be casted on me. I did not prevent it from happening even if I had the capability to. I stayed on the sideline as always and chose to ignore my instinct instead of acting on it. I trusted time to bury it, without minding how volatile the situation was. I chose to follow, not lead. I chose to nod even when I had doubts.

It was a stupid move, in a nutshell.

I wont let that ruin my holidays. I wont let that define me. I slayed a freaking dragon, the rest are just pests and its about time for some pest control. 

Take me to your Foreign Land.

Not to dig for gold or anything but to soak in its culture, to slice its heart and to breathe it all in, all of it, both history and future in that fleeting present.

HongKong you are missed, the erratic streets and the crowded MTR. The smell of streetfoods mixed with the nippy morning air. The sound of trolleys againts freshly rained pavements, the noisy Chinese woman worrying about his son.

Also, I kinda miss not having to think about work.

It was my first trip out of the country and to top it off I was assigned to navigate my senior citizen aunts, from ticketing to boarding. So you see that It was quite a struggle for me. I was anxious not for myself solely but for my old folks as well.

It was an amalgam of sunshine and disaster but it won't be as memorable without the latter. This trip was long overdue, but the wait was worth it.

Huntie

huntie