reel real

My fascination in movies is dated back when my cousins included me in their infinite movie marathons. There has always been an inclination, there has always been an attachment. These cousins grew out of it, they started to  focus on their own lives and I was not yet ready for that. I was left alone, sitting in that couch , watching for dear life to pass by without even my passive participation. I’m still that girl. I haven’t changed. I haven’t made the move to change. I ignored the call of life. I focused on their life. The life in films. Why do I take them so seriously? Why cant I treat them like  a side line thing? A year ago, I whispered the answer to a mate of mine, while walking side by side I told her that it made me experience things that I am unable to feel in real life. They bring me foreign feelings, something addictive that it had to be taken in large doses to satisfy the urge. The chance of experiencing them out of the reels is so distant almost hopeless. She smiled silently and that was it. As the darkness swallowed me one night, I thought about how simple sometimes complicated life was for the characters. Every moment had climax, had color, every scene is revolving. Every conversation becomes a catalyst for another explosive twist. Every word deserves to be heard. The details are wonderfully sewn together and the pattern is never the same as the other. And I want that. I envy that. My own green monster has nauseating smell, it drives me crazy. It drives me to the valley of pessimism and finding my way back is always an unbeatable struggle. It’s likened to the aftershock of movies. Something has been taken away and at some point I come to admit that I might not be the same again and it always falls on the brink of loss. In “the alchemist”, it was written that you will never learn what you learn in books in life and vice versa. Maybe that is what it is like for me. I don’t learn that easily what life has been offering me and I need to see it fictionalized before it sinks to my whole persona. I need it to exist in life. I need the unreal to be real.