It's The Season to be jolly ! Falalalalalalala! So what's up with the neutralism?

As obviously stated being a loner would be an understatement. I want to laugh like a loon on loon tablets but no drug  can alter my mood. I feel neutral , I feel empty , I feel lost , I feel simple  and plain and this is just a bloody dejavu. Why am I  unlike the others? Why am I not normal? Why do I feel so different and distant?  Every waking moment is familiar but these things does not amuse me anymore. These things are inadequate. These things  are pretty upsetting. I am far from satisfaction, I’m hanging in a cliff of despair. I don’t need people to clear my clouded thoughts. I need to fog it out myself. This is a one man show. But im not sure if  I’m sane enough to continue.  I’m a lone wolf, my pack has long abandoned me or did I scare them away? I need to know that I’m not alone in this but solitude is my utopia. Am I in between? Or the edges? A single breath, word, feeling is a doubt. Did this happen before? If it did, did it end? Or is this a cycle? Is this something new? I have no idea, so , you tell me ….