I'll Be Over Here

I don't want to end this year with a frown. I want to end it with a tumultuous bang and with a silly smile stretched ridiculously wide across my face. But it hurts, forcing a grin is pure torture, catching stars one by one to stitch them in the eyes is impossible because their brightness burn out when you thought you had them clasped safely in your palms. 

I was going to pour out positivity in this post, so much that I would be drained empty but who am I kidding? Tears, disappointment had already broken the plug that once held my scanty bliss. I hold no remorse, its just that being let down multiple times, getting up as often is becoming old and exhaustion had already gathered bone deep. My bones creak with every attempt to rise again, i am getting so familiar with the embrace of gravity. 

I am made up of silent sighs, it is all i am capable of, all i can come up with in response to every blow being thrown at me.

I wish i could go 360, that its not too late, that I still have an extra happy fiber hidden in my body so as to not turn over the 2016 calendar weakly and weary.

Oh well, I'll be over here searching for that fiber and when I do I would pummel it down into submission, for sure......or not.

PAASA

It's the sound of glass shattering.

It's pulverizing a star into dust.

It's yanking the earth from beneath.

It's putting your full faith into something and it being emptied right when you're about to take a sip.

It's blinking back tears into your eyes and hearing the generic "its going to be okay".

When it's not, not in this moment, not tomorrow or next week. But it will be, you just need time for okay to finally settle in because hell it's the only choice you have.

Its truly unfair but that's the price you pay for being inferior for being small time, for not being the big dog.

Yay or Nah?

Seiri, Seiton , Seiso , Seiketsu , Shitsuke.

Its been a month since I took a different route. Never have I imagined myself  taking a turn but fuck it, it’s the road least traveled. That moment, I just wanted something to happen, something to change because I didn’t like where I was. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t satisfied. I felt like a balloon that was about to escape from a little girl’s hand. It wasn’t easy to accept that I wont be able to practice what I studied for years for a while. I let go of what’s ideal so early, I shattered the tradition before it could build its foundation. It seems silly that my decision was based on breaking what is expected of me. I did it because someone thought I probably wont, I did it because my heritage dictates that I should not stray.

I’m still testing the waters, dipping one foot at a time, doubtful and scared. I’ll get deep enough through hard times. I’ll be drenched in my own tears, salty and painful and continuous.

All I know is that if I didn’t take that risk, if I didn’t take that turn I will be on that same spot as everyone else.

This spot is new and rare and it's mine.

Brothers Through Blood, Strangers Through Distance.

It's not everyday that you find out that you have brothers, two half brothers. It wasnt like having other siblings didnt linger at the back of my mind, being a child without a normal family, i have learned to expect unexpected ties to bind me. Normality never seemed to sketch me, well my family at least. I tend to swerve around dramas and theatrics clutching into the rules of the book to fend off aberrations but well, drama catches up with you as you slow down for a breather. I honestly want to meet them, i want to see half of my genetic make-up as i stare back in their eyes. But i doubt if they want to meet me though. I am a staunch reminder of their father's infidelity, i'm just being realistic. I will always be the girl without a father, always the illegitimate one. I am branded broken before i was even born. I can try to mend my self, but i will always be scarred. It's okay though, i like my scars, they tell a story, a tale of survival. What would i do with this new discovery? Should i seek for attention? After all they are just one message away. I hold the ax that could divide their family. Revenge is forever tempting. An eye for an eye. My father took away my chance at a happy childhood, isn't it just fair that i take away what keeps him together? I hate him, i hate that he abandoned my mother. A woman who is nothing but dear to me, i feel guilty for her sacrifices. If i wasn't born she would have a shot at an uncomplicated life with her husband and children, my half- sisters. 

But i'm keeping my mouth sealed, keeping a chaos from ensuing. I dont want revenge, i want acceptance, i want my mom's happiness. I can't give her that if i continue to dig at her past.  I cant let her bleed with fresh tears for my own selfish reasons. I cant be selfish when it comes to her. 

Who am i even kidding? He, they would never accept me. 

No one wants an abandoned child, if anyone did, it wouldn't be abandoned in the first place would it?

  

Del Rosario Family