Rose-Tinted.

I'm not even sure what this will be about, I guess it's one of those whimsical posts that just needs to be ventilated at a fleeting moment.

Something aimless. Which is my life in a nutshell.

I am walking in circles again, too caught up with my thoughts that I fail to see how meteoric I am really falling or failing. They say that people should count what they have and not what they do not but I find that difficult. Especially if you really know what you want this time. I just cant make that decision, its too risky, I want to take the risk but my folks would suffer, additionally I am aware of the immediate consequences. I want to redo everything, to be given a clean plate and choose wisely this time. On the otherhand, I am also glad about the decisions I made, but when I chose them, I gave them a shelf life. However, I am extending the expiry date.

I avoid to think about it as much as possible, or else I would fall into a loop of depression. Rick says that it all should be taken without meaning. Toby's mom says not to think it or else I'll go crazy. But your mind is freaking complex, giving you sentiments that only rains your day.

On a lighter note, I deleted our connection. I was triggered again and I have to cut it off if I want to survive the plague.

Dismantle.

It was very typical of me, to turn my gaze away, to be nonchalant when there is actually a storm brewing in my chest.
When will I learn? Will I ever?
I must make a vow because this is not the story I wanted to be in.
This is my oath.
I am taking off my cloak.

Limited

You know those seminars and trainings that you had to attend at your workplace in order to be your best self for the best of others? Well that happened.

I am a soi-disant avoidant awardee and I absolutely detest these topics with such burning passion. But dang it, fate sure keeps tabs to make sure I suffer and it was a disaster from begining to conclusion. I do not believe in these things. I do not think there is anyone better at training to be yourself other that yourself. 

Amidst this though, as people began speaking, I saw it. The divide, the wall between me and the rest of them. They possessed profound knowledege that I have yet to accumulate. At the age of 23, I am surrounded with workers who are a lot older than me. They have been through things that are beyond imaginable. They seem like the real adults and I am the fake one. 

They were self less, I was selfish. They were wise, I was a mere fool. I want to reverse that.

Why do I have such self -centered view of the world? 

With these traits that I have, would I truly belong in the society? In any society?

Exo'rdium Dot Global Package

Being passionate about something isn’t just anything it is life. - reply1997

Gloomy words seem to be dominating this blog as of late. Let me add just a wink of sunshine. Let me push away  these dark clouds. Let me dust off the dirt that are wearing me down. Let me use one word, or one country rather to enlighten you on my pursuit to selective amnesia. KOREA

KOREA

SOUTH KOREA

SEOUL

OPPALAND

DRAMALAND

I used too much words, didn’t I?

Let me take you back a year ago, when EXO’luxion happened in MNL and I got triggered into a delusional thinking that yes, I would very much want to experience this rave in Seoul. With two other chinggus, we had a wishful thinking of going to South Korea to have that ultimate concert experience. However mainstream it was, with the hash tag #concertgoals. I agreed that we would do it for the next concert, an encore to be exact. It didn’t seem possible, with my unstable job and flying to Korea would mean a lot of money going down the drain. I pushed it to the back of my mind, although I did set aside some of my salary for it.

Finally last March they announced the concert date which was two months away. It was all too sudden. I didn’t have my visa yet and the ticketing was going to happen the following week. We were also undecided if we were going to continue because, one of us might not be able to go  due to visa requirements. Thinking that it was going to be the two of us we bought a global twin package from Smtowntravel, which was hella pricey (as expected of SM). Luckily a chinggu helped me out.  I wanted to buy just the ordinary ones but Korea is notorious in selling out tickets within seconds. We didn’t want to take the risk and we are talking about EXO here. The risk were quite high. Because I didn’t have my visa yet, I just booked a one way plane ticket with the pessimistic thought that it would be a waste if my visa would get denied. I requested for COE from our office, unfortunately it took them a month to deliver. I was growing anxious day by day because I already spent a great sum of money, I wasn’t even in Korea yet! I was determined to go come hell or high water, after some more days it arrived. I would recommend requesting for COE and ITR in advance, trust me, you would not want to go through the agony of waiting. I was able to secure a tourist visa two weeks before my flight to Incheon. An added bonus was that all three of would be able to go. I don’t know how Abe did it but  Seoul was happening finally. A lot of stories transpired, I do not know if I will be able to remember them all and pour them into writing. 

Upon arrival to Incheon International Airport, I was determined to  save money so I took the  subway rather than hiring an overpriced taxi. Seoul subway scared me, I was going to get from Incheon to Hakdong station  ( one hour and a half travel)

alone so please understand my dilemma. I didn’t have any experience in commuting through trains, I am from Ilocos Norte. Trains were non-existent. The only practice I had was when I went to HongKong with my folks. This time, I was alone in a foreign city trying to figure out a subway system which had way too many lines. 

I purchased an all-stop train ticket from the ticketing  machine at the airport and found my way to the subway which was located on the first level I think. I did have problem with the Tcard because I couldn’t use it to transfer to a different line. I was panicking since I couldn’t get through. Luckily a Korean just pulled me from behind and directed me to the right lane. I had the same trouble again when I was trying to get out of Hakdong station. This lovely Korean was kind enough to show me the ropes to even get a ticket refund. 

I was able to find my way to the Imperial Palace which was located in Gangnam. When I got to  our hotel room I was overwhelmed by bliss to see my chinggus again after two years. They sort of went off to live in the maple country after our board examination  and left 

 me alone to rot in a  rabbit hole.

SM did not disappoint. The hotel just blew me away. I was just overwhelmed by everything from the fancy lift to the skin food toiletries. I experienced the so-called Gangnam style for a short while.

The following morning  started as a disaster. We got left by the bus, we didn’t check the departure time. It was supposed to be at 6:30 AM. We were down the lobby around 6:45. Koreans sure are punctual folks. We were forced to take a taxi to SMTOWN. What we didn’t know was that SM owned a  lot of buildings around Gangnam. The driver left us at SUM café the first try . We tried again but to no avail,  we were dropped off at SMT.

Third time was thecharm, we finally arrived at SM COEX for the surround viewing. Then there was another dilemma, we couldn’t find our tickets for it. Abe was the only one allowed to go in because she had her ticket. Meanwhile Christelle and I were left grief stricken with the possibility of missing the 3D EXO experience. Lucking, our guide Ms. Choi had extras so we were allowed to go in, we did wait a little while for the tickets to arrive. We took pictures while waiting.

 . 

We were finally admitted inside the theater. The surround view was great!3D and all. I can almost feel the beads of sweat rolling on their flesh. It lasted for three hours, an hour would have sufficed to be honest. We toured the building afterwards, it was full of EXO and SM Stuff. There were even standees of my Shinee oppas. For lunch, they took us to SMT, which was where we were dropped off earlier. We wondered if the staff remembered us poor souls who were lost  that morning. 

We were quite hungry because we weren’t able to eat breakfast. The food was okay, they even had  EXO desserts. I had no idea

 if the dessert had mango in them but damn if its pricey I will try my very best to gulp it down.

 After that heavy lunch the took us back to the hotel. We roamed around the building, they had a Hanok house at the third floor. We rested for a bit, applied face mask as a preparation (what if Oppa looks at our directions right?).

 We were scared to be left behind again so we went to the lobby at 4:30 sharp. The bus took us to Jamsil Stadium for the experience of a lifetime.  

The place was swarming with fans. I wondered if half of Korea’s youth were in there. Abe was separated because her ticket was C while ours were on ground B. Christelle and I screamed when we got to our seat because it was so close to the stage. I think some of the fans even looked at us. We were very much content with our spot. I still couldn’t believe that we were in there. We realized that what we were doing were batshit crazy. We weren’t exactly rich ( atleast in my case) , our jobs weren’t stable but we swallowed those all up just to be there. It was impractical but there are just some things that you know you have to do.  In our twenties, it felt like this was it. Or atleast one of those. 

At last the concert started , the crowd was amazing. EXO and EXOLs became family. The thing about concerts is that your sanity or insanity is being reinforced. You are not alone anymore your aberrant adoration becomes simply logical. I screamed so hard when Kyungsoo walked to our spot during Artificial Love. I think KSOO is my UB. Sehun came next, why was he real? Chanyeol came also, during Do it Together. He had the same effect like in EXOluxion in MNL when everyone was PCD’d. I also had a fan cam where Baek waved at us (let me be please). The staff roamed around to stop us from taking photos but they couldn’t touch us. We ended up with our phones filled with memories, albeit some were shaky because an EXOL cant calm down. Trying was not an option. 

 Walking out of the venue was a bit slow. We guessed, nobody wanted to leave the place. Which was quite the opposite of EXOluxion in MNL, where I thought I was going to faint due to the incessant pushing. Also, one thing I noticed was that no one was checking for bags, security were a bit lax. Ariana Grande’s concert bombing was still fresh at the time so I was a bit anxious. 

We went back to our bus just in time, the ever lovely Ms. Choi gave us snacks, we were famished. Imagine screaming for hours. The ride back to the hotel was slow, there were too many cars trying to get out.

 We fixed our luggages upon arrival at the hotel  and went to sleep in high spirits. It was 7am when we checked out, goodbye Gangnam. It was time to explore Seoul like locals. I spoiled myself rotten, I was guilty of spending too much in one sitting.  At the end though, I guess you just have to let things fall into place, stop sabotaging bliss and believe that you deserve good things. 

Infecting the world with sadness

I am not proud nor ashamed of it. I have always been tilted to the morose side. This is not about an explanation why, justification of said temperamence is unnecessary. I do feel like it is a burden to people, to be associated with someone so fundamentally lacking in sunshine. I see it in their eyes, the discomfort I bring, it's the joanna effect sadly. I breathe it, I live it.

Unburden

When we are truly alone with our thoughts we breakdown, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Ugly tears flow from our eyes and a truckload of curse words are shouted in an abyss.

We do suffer alone.

Atleast I do. It is not that I want to appear strong, I just dont want to burden other people of problems they wouldnt understand.

I wish I could let off some of the weight but there is no one who would carry it for me.

Like a Dark Cloud

Something must be wrong with the wirings of my brain.

Something is WRONG with the wirings of my brain.

It is not a phase anymore, it doesnt just pass. It lingers. It becomes a constant state. It becomes the focus, not a background. Like its  a world of my own, cut off because it is just so rotten. Lately, things are just a blur of faces and time. Just a jumble of conversations and circumstances that translate into something that isnt there.

 I do not know where the line began or if it has been there since the very
beginning. That maybe I was just feigning innocence.
Playing the classic plausible deniability, with the high hopes of it wilting away.

There is no explanation, no source its just there sitting and waiting patiently. Hidden inside a closet, just observing how to hit where it counts. I can feel the spectrum dying, I used to be so confident, so steadfast that if that time comes I wouldnt notice it. That it is not possible or that all will just blend into a perfect rythmn. It's not happening, the pitch is off and i'm about to cover my ears to block off the voices.

There is no tolerance, no treshold just a broken door inviting malevolence.

TipToe

It has always been in my bucket list to go to SK. I have saved up enough for a budget friendly trip to go there one day but unfortunately if we are to fulfill the concert goal thing it wont be very frugal of me. I dont want to break my bank. I want to be able to go there and enjoy it like a backpacker. But I really want to go, I deserve it. I'm not going to deny myself of a not-so-simple pleasure in life. I need to take a break from all the pressure my mom is throwing at me. I need some space to think of my long term plans and catch up with my crazy chinnggus. I have been very frugal to save up for this trip and it would be a torture just to abandon them at the first sign of struggle. I am still 50/50 about this. I am still missing a great sum of money which means I have not been stingy enough.

Can 50k just fall from the sky and save me the extra trouble?

Baffled Rooster

The year is new yet I feel old.

There are 365 new chances yet it seem like I have run out.

All is fresh but I have been rotting inside.

A pessimist, that is who I am, with limited bouts of sunshine, sometimes with a drip of laughter. I have made plans for this year, but the ink is fading. I find myself erasing the lines I calculated, repressing my thirst for change and coming into terms with my responsibilities. I justify my cowardice with my half-assed obligation. Half-assed because embracing such comes with selfishness and fear. I am dueling with an ancient old nemesis, dueling isnt even the appropriate term to use. Dueling meant fighting, all I ever did was fly.