Huntie

huntie

Time to be a Gladiator

I cant believe I'm dedicating yet another post for her but fuck it.

Yes this is for you.

You with wildfire in your eyes.

You who throws words like knives.

You who breathe hatred instead of oxygen.

I cannot tell you to stop because you wouldn't.

I cannot tell you to forgive because I do not recall how I might have injured you, how I might have rained your parade with any intention.

But I can tell you this, just go and love yourself because I think you are incapable of giving it to others.

Criminal at 22.

It's eating me, the words, the lies that I brewed. I wasn't cut out for this, lying with a straight face, careful selection of words.

I had to do it. I had to exhaust all means necessary before I let it go. If the endgame is negative, atleast i wont have to add another what if in my life.

I feel like a criminal who lost the ability to sleep at night. Always haunted by the fear of getting caught. Eyes in constant alertness to every movement, scanning everyone in the room.

Every moment was a threat.

I am stuck in paranoia of my own making.

But If Abby can be a monster, so can I.

Sik-ya

A year ago, I told my 21-year old self that I would walk down the road to psychiatric nursing if I got the highest score in the fifth part of the test. Unfortunately I didn't  so that plan kind of been set aside though not completely eliminated. I was just amazed at how the human mind worked and another factor that contributed was the lecture we had way back in college. Our teachers in "pychia", were excellent and very passionate about the subject that I couldn't help but consider it my favorite field of nursing. Our reviewer was just one of a kind. However It took time (10 months to be exact) for me to get a head start, plans don't always work. Sometimes you get stuck in unfavorable situations until slowly they become tolerable and they end up being your norm.

It's been a week now since I've been working on this mental care center. I saw theories translated into actual situations. I got my fair share of shock when a patient just lashes out , out of the blue, or how you train yourself to keep your eyes open for that suicidal mother or how you had to sit through a never ending narration of a manic 24- year old.

The experience is entirely different from that of a traditional hospital. I just sometimes feel disappointed because I wanted to have more responsibility and less idle moments.

Idle moments just pushes me off the spectrum sometimes. Reducing idle time is what I'm aiming for, is it just me?

I want to finish this, I plan to but with a fickle heart like mine I do not know if I will still be rendering psychiatric care to the society-labeled mentally ill for the next six months.

EXOLUXION IN MANILA JANUARY 23, 2016

Is going to a concert you prepared years for post worthy?

Its nerve wrecking, having to go alone in a ten-hour bus ride to an unfamiliar place just see these bunch of idiots perform. I have to say that I am not really a big exo fan ( well that is what I keep telling myself.) I don’t know all of their songs, I don’t help them trend, I don’t buy their albums and merchandises , I wasn’t there since their debut , hell I have thought of unstanning them every now and then. I had second thoughts on going since I was  alone and where is the fun in that? My exo-l friends just happened to move to the other side of the world so the original plan of going together went poof.  But I think its innate for any fan of anyone to meet their idols once and yes, the thought of doing things independently kind of triggered my “if it scares you, you should probably do it mantra.”

Purchasing the ticket wasn't an easy task, i had to go through a roller coaster of emotions, nearly crying when it was announced sold out.

So there I went, chanting along amongst the 20,000 PH EXO-Ls, part of the silver ocean ( even though I had no light stick) at last, team concert!

And come on who would miss out the chance to chant eommaya?

After concert effect?

Park Chanyeolized Disorder

Like The Madhatter

Guess who is going to Exoluxion in Manila!

I'll Be Over Here

I don't want to end this year with a frown. I want to end it with a tumultuous bang and with a silly smile stretched ridiculously wide across my face. But it hurts, forcing a grin is pure torture, catching stars one by one to stitch them in the eyes is impossible because their brightness burn out when you thought you had them clasped safely in your palms. 

I was going to pour out positivity in this post, so much that I would be drained empty but who am I kidding? Tears, disappointment had already broken the plug that once held my scanty bliss. I hold no remorse, its just that being let down multiple times, getting up as often is becoming old and exhaustion had already gathered bone deep. My bones creak with every attempt to rise again, i am getting so familiar with the embrace of gravity. 

I am made up of silent sighs, it is all i am capable of, all i can come up with in response to every blow being thrown at me.

I wish i could go 360, that its not too late, that I still have an extra happy fiber hidden in my body so as to not turn over the 2016 calendar weakly and weary.

Oh well, I'll be over here searching for that fiber and when I do I would pummel it down into submission, for sure......or not.